What if empathy felt good sometimes?

For almost 15 years, I’ve focused on empathic distress (you know, compassion fatigue).

Lately, though, I can’t stop thinking about empathic joy.

Vicarious joy. Sympathetic joy. Appreciative joy. Buddhists call it mudita.

It’s the pleasure you feel when you witness someone else experiencing something good, and you allow their happiness to land in you.

Most of us are more familiar with empathic distress: the pain we feel when we witness someone else suffering and feel it with them.

That pain is real. 

When we witness suffering, our brains activate the same neural networks as when we experience pain ourselves (like stubbing a toe).

But here’s the thing we don’t talk about enough:

The joy is real, too.

When we feel empathy for another living being who is experiencing happiness, the brain’s reward centers light up. This supports our well-being, resilience, and connection to others. 

In other words, when we witness others feeling good, we feel good too.

If we let ourselves.

And so often, we don’t.

We might feel a brief spark of joy as we witness an animal we love having fun, and then immediately we start worrying about what could go wrong (foreboding joy). Or we notice someone else’s happiness and, instead of rejoicing, feel envy or self-criticism.

Empathic distress comes easily.

Empathic joy takes effort.

Research suggests that empathic joy involves more intentional mental processes like deciding what deserves our attention, choosing how we interpret what we see, and how we respond.

Our brains make empathic joy harder to access. Which is exactly why we need to take it seriously.

It nourishes and sustains us while we care for others who are hurting.

It serves as a counterbalance (not a cure) to the pain we’re effortlessly absorbing.

Empathic joy connects us to one another, turning self-care into mutual care. 

But to actually benefit from it, we need to slow down and stay with it long enough for it to sink in.

Here’s how:

Notice jolts of joy. What brings you a sudden, sensory hit of pleasure?

A soft fleece blanket.
Birds signing or a favorite song.
A warm shower.
A cold pillow.
The smell of mint.
The sun on your face.

Poet Mark Nepo says, “The key to knowing joy is being easily pleased.”

When you feel the jolt, pause. Give this sensation your full attention for as long as you can. At least 10 full seconds. Savor it.

This is first-hand joy. You’re training yourself to recognize and allow good feelings.

Take your MEDs: Moments of Empathic Delight. These build on jolts of joy by involving someone else (human or animal) who is enjoying themselves.

Dogs playing with each other.
Horses rolling in snow.
Cats sunbathing.
Guinea pigs eating veggies.
Ducks splashing.
Kids laughing.
A friend tasting something delicious.

This is second-hand joy. You’re allowing the good feelings of others to land in and lift you up. 

Try not to talk yourself out of the joy you’re witnessing. Ground yourself in the present moment. Notice how you feel in your body. 

Seeking and savoring joy - whether it’s feeling the warmth of a mug in your hands or delighting in watching your dog roll in the grass - isn’t about denying real problems, repressing pain, or toxic positivity.

It's practicing compassionate badassery to risk feeling goodness when it might feel safer to stay numb or armored up. 

The risk is worth it. Authentic joy helps energize us to keep doing and feeling hard things.

Empathic joy moves us from exhausting independence to vitalizing connection. 

Ross Gay writes, “...joy is…the underground union between us.”

Authentic joy is life-sustaining. 

And collective joy is resistance. 

Rebecca Solnit writes, “Joy doesn’t betray but sustains activism. And when you face a politics that aspires to make you fearful, alienated, and isolated, joy is a fine act of insurrection.”

So the next time you feel empathic pain, please remember it’s not only possible for you to feel empathic joy too, but you have permission to go after it. Do it for yourself and the many lives you touch.

Go catch some delight!

Need a jolt? Here are some fast-acting MEDs:

• This donkey playing with a squeaky chicken
• This unicorn skijoring with a mini-horse
• This seal rolling in the snow

• This dog rolling in her blanket

• And, of course, Benito Bowl

Want to practice empathic joy together? My friend Katya and I are creating a special online workshop for animal care and welfare workers + volunteers who want to connect with others and tap into joy as a sustaining resource. More on that soon.

If self-paced learning is more your thing, you can always join me in Building Compassionate Badassery Boundaries, where we learn to say YES to what brings us joy!